Big girls don't cry?

Geez, It's been quite the while. I have been busy with a lot of things, and school is coming up. I still need to squeeze in an English report, and then I'll be good. School starts Tuesday. I'm scared.

Vacation was good. It was nice seeing Lia and Alyssa.

I have had so many things on my mind lately. It's never good. My mind doesn't stop thinking until I try and go to sleep. I'm thinking about getting an appt. with my Therepist again. I just need to clear my mind.

Ok, I need to head out for some more school shopping. I'll get back to you soon.

Time to get away

I'm so glad that I'll be getting away from Pa for a little while. All this stuff in my mind will be cleared and I can enjoy myself in Seaside.

This is short, but I have so many things to get done before I leave tonight. I'll get back to this things to tell about my vacation, once I get back on Monday. Till then...

It's Saturday?

I keep forgetting what day it is. Once school starts everything will be dull again, until I have to move. I will get to see my family again, though. All of my cousins helped out the last time, and I hope they do the same this time. They make me happy. I wouldn't trade my family for the world. Family gatherings used to be boring until they noticed that I can down a beer and still be cool. Now they just hand me beer after beer and we can have a good time, and talk about memories of when I was younger and when they were younger. I love when they tell me about my Nanny and my Pop. (My Mom's parents.)

Their names were Marilyn and Fred. They seemed like great parents, and grandparents. I wish I could remember when they were still alive. I was only little when they both died. They died a couple of months apart, and I could only imagine the pain everyone went through. My sister wasn't born by then, and I feel horrible about that. My Mom said that my Nanny loved me so much. She also said that she wishes they were both alive to see Emily and I grow up.

The biggest reason I love going to Staten Island is to go to the cemetery where they are buried, along with a couple of other family members and just stand there with my Mom. My Mom tells me all about them, and how much she would give to have them here with us now. Yeah, it brings tears to our eyes, but it's worth it. When I move there, I plan on going a couple times a week, to just sit there and talk to them.

Oh geez, anyways. Logan and I just talked a lot of things out. He says he might move here, because I told him they were building a Best Buy in Stroudsburg. He said it would be easy to transfer out here. I don't know if I should get my hopes up or not. Time will only tell, I guess.

Well, I think I'm going to hop in the shower. I don't know if I'll get out tonight. I feel sick. Till next time...

R-e-s-p-e-c-t

No one seems to know the meaning to that word anymore, but let me take the time to define it for you all.

Respect: the condition of being esteemed or honored

Not the complete definition that I wanted, but I think I can deal with it.

This week has been complete shit for me. Everything has just decided to piss me off. It's my time of the month, no less. I have learned that I have to move out of the house I am currently living in by January, I have my doubts about Logan, and I have made the decision to not be friends with someone; or not to be as close as we were.

Does anyone remember that ONE girl rule? The one where you are not suppose to date your friend's ex boyfriend? I remember it clearly, only because it has happened before. I didn't know how to deal with it. She confronted me on AIM, which was dumb; but she said she didn't want me mad at her, and she hates when people are mad at her. She also said that a guy shouldn't get between us.

I reacted in anger, telling her that I don't think we can be friends anymore, and that whatever she says won't change my mind. She babbled on and on about how she was sorry, until I started tearing up at the thought of him. All of the anger that was currently in my body left, and my softer/loving side came out. I told her to take care of him, as I did not. I told her to hold his hand, kiss him on the cheek, hug him like she'll never let him go. It hurt to tell her such, but I wanted the best for him. I want him to have everything he didn't have in the relationship we had. Yeah, I still have anger deep down inside for her, but I hope she does treat him well. I really hope she does. He deserves every moment of it.

Well, I'm going out with Tom. I think he has to pick up his check, and he hates going alone. It'll get some things off of my mind, and I will probably laugh and have a good time. Till next time...

Occupy me

So, I've decided to get my hands on one of these bad boys and waste my time writing. I thought I needed a 'blog' to sort out feelings and daily rants. Maybe a lot of people will learn some things they never knew about me, and maybe I will learn some things about myself as well.

It's about 6:00 AM on August 8th. I just got off the phone with Logan. I guess you could call him a boyfriend. I'm not too sure about that, actually. I wonder how I got my hands on such a boy. Long distance relationships were never for me, but I have come to the conclusion that I care so much about this boy, that I might as well give it a try.

I think I will get some sleep, and I will post some more later on in the day.

9:49 Pm

I sometimes think that I wasn't supposed to live this life that I am living. Why am I walking around in these shoes? I don't think I deserve one single minute of this family life that has been haunting me since I was in my early teens.

A lot of people haven't seen what I have in my short lifetime that I have already lived, and I don't live half as bad as others do. Oh, I could only imagine.

Have you ever had the feeling like the piece of your heart is missing, or that you can't seem to get a full breath of air into your lungs? I live that from day to day.

Well, I guess that I am doing nothing tonight. That doesn't bother me too much. I will most likely end up on Stickam talking to boys who just want to see my chest. I tell them to thank my Mom. Logan doesn't get home until 12 his time, which means 3 Am my time. I don't know if I should wait up or not...